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        <title>Drunkencat.com</title>
        <description></description>
        <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/</link>
        <lastBuildDate>Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:07:09 +0100</lastBuildDate>
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        <item>
            <title>Drunk or Not</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/drunk-or-not-15.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.

"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" 

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens." 

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>Parenthood Changes</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/parenthood-changes-10.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. 
Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: 

YOUR CLOTHES: 

a. 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 
b. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 
c. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes. 

THE BABY'S NAME: 

a. 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 
b. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 
c. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect! 

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH: 

a. 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 
b. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 
c. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. 

THE LAYETTE: 

a. 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 
b. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 
c. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? 

WORRIES: 

a. 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 
b. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 
c. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. 

ACTIVITIES: 

a. 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 
b. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 
c. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners. 

GOING OUT: 

a. 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 
b. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 
c. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. 

AT HOME: 

a. 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 
b. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 
c. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>First Child</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/first-child-9.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			A guy calls the hospital. 

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" 

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" 

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>A Baby On The Way</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/a-baby-on-the-way-8.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. 

The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. 

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" 

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>Baby Trouble</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/baby-trouble-7.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour. 
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." 

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." 

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." 

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." 

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. 

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." 

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness. 

When he was finally able to speak, they could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. 

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..." 

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..." 

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..." 

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>How to make babies</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/how-to-make-babies-6.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the little girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>Lamaze class</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/lamaze-class-5.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			A couple are attending Lamaze class. The instructor tells the husband, "Try to imagine that you are the one carrying the baby. How would you pick up that pen that's on the floor?"

The husband thinks for a moment, tugs at his wife's sleeve, and says, "Honey, pick up that pen for me, will you!"

			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
        </item>
        <item>
            <title>Radical Procedure</title>
            <link>http://www.drunkencat.com/pictures/radical-procedure-3.html</link>
            <description><![CDATA[
			Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 
			]]></description>
            <author>Relax.com</author>
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